Dealing with a toxic family member is quite difficult especially if she is your mother-in-law then things become emotionally exhausting. This is one of the hardest relationships to get right as the intricacies of family dynamics are combined with the special role a mother in law plays in a marriage.
You know you have a toxic mother in law if you feel that you are always being criticized or trying to maintain peace with someone who enjoys conflict.
Well, you don’t have to stay stuck in this cycle of negativity. Changing your mother in law’s behavior may be impossible, but you can absolutely change how you respond. This change can bring much needed relief for both you and your family.
In this post, we’ll explore 10 effective tips for dealing with a toxic mother-in-law. This guide will help you to remove negativity and to change the behaviour of your mother in law.
Table of Contents
Let’s get started!
10 Effective Tips to Deal with Toxic Mother-in-Law
Photo Credit: Cross Walk
A toxic mother in law is hard to handle and requires patience and strategy. There’s no one way to get out of the situation, but these 10 tips can help you establish boundaries, take care of yourself and finally wrestle back control of your life.
- Set Boundaries
In any relationship, you need healthy boundaries and especially when dealing with a toxic mother in law. However, how do you set boundaries without adding to the fire?
First, be specific. Instead of, “Please respect my space,” say, “We would kindly ask for a heads up before you come over, just so we can plan.” You can prevent defensiveness by clear and kind communication.
If she crosses a boundary, you will have to gently but firmly enforce limits. So, if she comes on strong about private details about your marriage, you can respond with, “Thank you for your concern, but that’s something that’s between us.”
Next, you need to learn how to effectively communicate those boundaries. Open dialogue is where that happens.
- Open Communication
Do you talk openly with your mother in law? Lack of honest communication is fertile ground for toxicity. But, when you address issues calmly, breakthroughs are possible.
For example, if she finds fault with your choices, change the conversation by saying, ‘I appreciate that but this is what’s needed for our situation.’ Showing transparency demonstrates you respect her input and don’t feel like you have to make decisions that compromise them.
However, if the problem remains the same even after open communication, then you need support at this point so it can make all the difference.
- Seek Support
You don’t have to go through this on your own. Acknowledge that during times of doubt, you can lean on trusted friends and family members or even counselors for some perspectives you may never have thought of.
You can consult with a professional family therapist who can help you with moderating discussions and helping everyone communicate better. The American Psychological Association says family therapy has a 75 percent success rate in helping family dynamics.
External support is great and it is just as important to keep your core relationship strong, especially your partner.
- Focus on Your Relationship
Your family is built on your relationship with your spouse, so it should be your priority. Many toxic mothers in law will try to get between partners on purpose or by accident.
For the security of your connection, be open with your spouse. Seek to approach difficult topics together and agree on the boundaries you will present as one team. Consistency is a strong message.
Mother-in-Law Quote: “It’s what your mother-in-law says sometimes, but it’s what your spouse allows more often.”
- Practice Empathy
When it comes to dealing with toxicity, empathy may not sound intuitive, however understanding her perspective can help create room for change.
Ask yourself, What’s driving this behavior? Insecurity, fear of losing relevance or cultural differences?” You’re not excusing the toxic behavior, you’re just changing your reaction to it.
Empathy may help ease tension, but there is a case to be made for limiting interaction when things get too much.
- Limit Interaction
Stress can be exacerbated when you spend too much time with a toxic mother-in-law. Self preservation and limiting contact is ok.
Turn down too many invites politely or offer to switch who visits who in order to balance family time. For example, you may say, “We love to see you, but we need to recharge.”
The dynamic is dependent on how you handle interactions and keeping calm is key.
- Stay Calm and Composed
Toxic individuals are always busy in provoking reactions so you make mistakes or say something bad. Don’t give her that power. Don’t let your patience be tested and keep your composure. Breathe in deeply, pause to think and avoid personalizing her actions.
- Use Humor
Humour is a great tension releaser. React defensively instead with lightheartedness. For instance, if she criticizes your cooking, you could do something like, ‘Good thing we invited you; you’re practically a Michelin chef compared to me!’ Humor can make us laugh and turn around negativity.
Mother-in-Law Quote: “Nothing a mother in law says can hurt you if you can laugh it off like a pro.”
If things keep getting worse, recording conversations may help you see the situation more clearly. Humor can sometimes be the perfect icebreaker if tension feels high!
- Document Interactions
Document repeated conflicts if you have them. Record what was said, when and in what context. It’s particularly useful when things get tense or you need some outside help, such as mediation.
Sometimes walking away is healthiest, if nothing seems to work, and if toxicity persists.
- Know When to Walk Away
Sometimes, distance is the only answer. It doesn’t mean we don’t walk away, it means we walk away from toxic environments and prioritize our emotional health.
If you aren’t making any progress in conversation, or if interactions are consistently harmful, that’s okay to prevent. Remember, it’s okay to take care of yourself too.
Effects of Having a Toxic Mother-in-Law
Having a toxic mother-in-law isn’t just about family conflict. Dealing with a toxic mother-in-law is also about your mental and emotional health. Research has shown toxic family relationships can make you more stressed, which can lead to burnout, anxiety or even depression.
For example, according to the Amercial Psychological Association, over 27% of people experience their most stressful emotions because of the conflicts within family.
Toxic mothers can also ripple into the family and cause tension between you and your partner or even your children if the toxic behavior continues.
When to Seek Professional Help?
Therapy can be a great resource if the situation starts to feel too much, or start to affect your mental health. Processing your emotions can be done through individual therapy and couple’s therapy can equip you and your partner to tackle the challenges together.
Family therapy is also a possibility a neutral party facilitates the talks to the point of making things better. Inviting your mother in law to therapy, however, is a long shot, but it can sometimes work in extreme cases.
Final Thoughts!
Having a toxic mother in law is not easy to deal with. You need patience, resilience and a focus on taking care of your emotional health. If you are able to identify toxic behaviors, then set boundaries and make use of your support system so that your life will not become taken over by her actions.
As the saying goes, family isn’t always blood but it’s who nurtures your soul. Either way, it’s a step in the right direction. You’ve taken the initiative to try to make things better, whether that means a better relationship or just being able to cope better.
So, if you’ve had similar experiences, don’t be afraid to share your story, or to ask for support. Battling a toxic mother in law can be lonely but you are not fighting this battle alone. We can build spaces for growth, understanding, and respect, even when relationships aren’t perfect, together.
___****___